Chapter Twenty Six - The Magnificent Seven... plus One

The trial of Big Red, Tony and Laertes took place on the third morning after the events in the fortress at the heart of the Gulag.

With Judge Redbum presiding over the court with his usual customary aplomb, the team of prosecution lawyers (several sharks hastily summoned from the Overworld for the occasion) intended to call a total of twenty-five witnesses to testify to the wrong-doings and evil intent of Laertes (who sat uncomfortably underneath a plain white sheet after being stripped of his official Watcher black cloak), a further two hundred witnesses to testify to the manipulations and trouble-making of Tony, and a quite staggering three thousand four hundred and eleven witnesses to testify to the sheer plain evil and cruelty of Big Red (a queue of twenty-thousand stretched from outside the court door to the very edge of town for a chance to add their own testimony on that particular subject). Judge Redbum had other ideas, though and, rather than miss out on a round of shove-piggy-shove down at his local, dispensed with the need to plough through all the questioning and went straight to his favourite part of the whole court process – the sentencing.

Flik-Flak, Eric, Pigkiller and David sat in the gallery at the back of the court, watching with baited breath as the right honourable Redbum straightened his wig, banged his gavel a few times for order, paused for what seemed like an eternity, then quickly sentenced all three to serve ten consecutive life sentences in the recently refurbished and now empty prison that was formerly known as the Gulag but which was now known as the Ha-ha-ha-you’re-never-getting-out-of-here pit. A huge cheer had erupted from the gallery as the sentence was handed out, but Judge Redbum had then added that the new legal system (hastily drawn up the previous day after much panic due to the closure of the Gulag) meant that they could all be out on parole in less than ten years with good behaviour. So not quite so good really, but at least it was better than just letting them off with a slap on the wrist (which was what the first draft of the new legal system would have let happen).

The three guilty parties were frog-marched out of court by the bailiffs under the watchful gaze of the angels and a number of Watchers, and taken straight to the new Ha-ha-ha-you’re-never-getting-out-of-here pit without any further ado.

The angels had still looked somewhat sombre, though, even despite the imprisonment of the wrongdoers and the return of the ring. The Almighty One was still nowhere to be found and the ring was being kept under lock and key in a safe in the City of High Clouds until his return. None of the other angels had the ability to use the ring like the Almighty One could and they were anxiously waiting on his return in order to give them the leadership that they seemed to lack. The troubles that blighted both the Overworld and the Underworld would  continue until the Almighty One returned. The closure of the Gulag as it had been meant that all those who had been serving sentences lasting for all eternity were given pardons for their crimes and allowed to return to their normal lives. Trouble was that just about all of them had been down there for so long that they had become a little institutionalised and didn't know what to do once they had been released. With almost twenty-thousand lost souls wandering around the town (the same twenty-thousand who queued to give testimony against Big Red, funnily enough) the council elders acted quickly in order to prevent some people from trying to re-offend in order to get sent back to the pit and had set up a department in the road repair section of the council which specialised in digging holes (many were also snapped by some Chaos-making teams who were needing someone to dig holes outside people's houses in the Overworld).

With the Gulag being forced to close, it was only right that Tony’s Casino was forced to shut its doors for the last time too. The card tables, the roulette wheels, and even the poor donkeys used for pinning tails on, were all carted out of the casino and dumped on the streets for the citizens of the town to get some kind of return for all the money that they had lost in there over the years. Most of it ended up on the stalls in Bartertown, though, admittedly.

Eric, in particular, was most relieved to see the back of the casino. With it now closed, he couldn't rack up the same huge debts he had done previously or get caught in the same traps that Tony had fitted him up in before. Of course, that didn't mean he'd stop gambling entirely though. Pigkiller was always up for a few friendly bets and since Derek had been released from the Gulag then doubtless there would be the odd game of cards now and then to keep things ticking over.

But the point was, though, that Eric didn't need to take risks by gambling in order to prove himself to anyone anymore. Word of his exploits in helping to save the world had spread round the Underworld like wildfire, and for the first time in a long time he could walk into an elf bar with his head held high. No one could label him a coward again. Eric the Brave was how he liked to think of himself now.

Of course, no one really knew what had happened in the Gulag until Pigkiller had spotted an opportunity to make a quick buck and had sold his version of events to the local newspaper, the Daily Trash. When the story hit the newsstands, the newspaper sold like hot cakes and made instant celebrities of Pigkiller and all the others. Mind you, Pigkiller had slightly exaggerated his version of events and no one else who had actually been in the chamber in the fortress in the Gulag could remember seeing a twenty-foot tall one-eyed sabre-toothed mammoth, let alone Pigkiller single-handedly beating it at arm wrestling. Word on the street was that Aye, No Bad magazine were considering offering Pigkiller a four-figure quantity of gold to do a ten-page colour-drawing shoot re-enacting the triumphant scenes. However, there were other rumours circulating that a former lover of the little pygmy was negotiating with a rival magazine, Aye, Fit Like Hen, to spill the beans on his colourful past. 

But Pigkiller wasn't the only one who let things get to his head for a little while. Given free rein to purchase the best clothes that money could buy, Peter visited the angels' tailor and after almost a full day of measuring and trying on various materials, he walked away with three dinner jackets, four pairs of trousers, five shirts, two bow-ties, three waistcoats, six pairs of shoes, and a top hat and tails. Oh, and a monocle and a cane too. To say he attracted a few disbelieving stares from passers-by as he strode boldly through town wearing all of them at the same time would be something of an understatement. 

Another one to attract a fair bit of attention to himself, thanks to the reward given to him by the angels, was Rodney. As he had requested, he was given food, food, and yet more food for his reward. In fact, he was given ten carts full of food and most of them were filled with sweets. It would have taken a dozen people a dozen days to have worked their way through the whole lot but Rodney had sat down outside the gates to the tavern early one morning and chomped through the whole lot in full view of a large crowd of onlookers by the time the sun started to dip down for the day. It had taken the combined efforts of nine people to drag him along the ground back into the tavern at night-time, though. Fortunately, Rodney had plenty of time to recover and be able to get about  under his own steam again. Flik-Flak may have missed out on the rewards given by the angels but he had managed to work a little bit of magic of his own and had persuaded those assigning shifts to the Chaos-making teams that his team should get a few extra days off to recover after the arduous ordeal in the Gulag. Of course, had he mentioned that one of the reasons why he wanted the extra time off was because one of his team had eaten so much he was incapable of walking then the powers-that-be might not have been so generous.

While Flik-Flak had used the time to catch up on some rest and gentle recreation, Chuckles had spent the whole time behind the locked door of his bedroom working feverishly on removing the imperfections that he was convinced were on the face of his warhammer. He had used the whole tin of polish that the angels had given him within hours of locking himself away and he had only emerged for dinner on the second night after finally giving in to his hunger pangs. Admittedly, he had gone straight back to his room after dinner.

Dinner for two was the subject that had most filled Tracy's mind, though. She hadn't been on a date for more years than she cared to admit but with two dates in as many days she had been walking around with a permanent grin on her face. Having said that, the date with the angel, Robin, had been pretty much a complete disaster and had almost ended before it had even started. She had used just a tad too much of her latest special toothpaste and had turned her unsightly yellow teeth into the shiniest ultra-white teeth that had ever been seen – in short, she had ended up blinding poor Robin. The date with Josef had gone a lot better though (perhaps because he had worn sunglasses) and she was beginning to feel a growing attraction for the older, more experienced fairy.  Perhaps their similar experiences of being chucked out of the tooth-fairy union made her feel like she had found something of a kindred spirit ...

As for David, he took the opportunity to make up for lost time and slept soundly for a day and a half until it was time to go to the court to witness the trial of Big Red, Tony and Laertes. There hadn't been any spare rooms at the tavern, though, so Eric had set up a small bed in his own bedroom and let David stay with him until a room made itself available. Robbie had stayed with him too and had slept on the end of his bed curled up as dogs do. Eric hadn't been happy to have another guest in his room but had diplomatically decided to let sleeping dogs lie.

David could have slept for days, though. It was the first time that he could ever remember sleeping soundly and not having to keep one eye and one ear open for someone trying to get him. It was great to be able to dream without being disturbed, to let his mind roam through the corridors of his imagination, and to know that nothing bad was going to happen to him while he let his guard down. It was the first time he had ever felt like he really belonged somewhere and that everyone really wanted him to be there too.

It was funny, though. He had lost the one thing in his life that he could always depend upon, and which had brought him comfort at times when he felt sad and alone, but yet somehow he didn't really miss the bracelet all that much. It didn't even really bother him that the bracelet hadn't really turned out to belong to his real father after all (although he still had no idea how it had ended up in a box in the loft of his old house). It did make him a little sad that he hadn't found anything that would tell him a little bit more about where his father had gone or where he could find him, but even that didn't really matter really. He maybe hadn't found his father, or the answers to the questions that had once troubled him in his old home, but he had found something else that maybe, just maybe, was more important at the end of the day – several new wonderful friends. And in a world in which he had arrived with nothing that, at least, was something that he could never have expected. He may have lost his bracelet but in his mind he had won so much more.

When he had finally woken awoken from his long slumber, and after returning from the trial a short while later, Flik-Flak, Eric and the others had sat him down and asked him where he would most like to live, and what he would most like to do now he was allowed to stay in the Underworld. David had thought for a short while. He had seen a lot of the town, and he had seen many nice places to live, but the tavern had such a great atmosphere inside it that he said that he would really most like to stay here with them all. Everyone had cheered and Flik-Flak promised he would do his best to get him a room near to everyone else's.

But what did David say that he would most like to do? What job had he set his heart on?

* 

“Aye, see the beauty of Chuckles' technique is that he manages to get a little bit more power into his hit by flicking his wrists at the last possible moment. Show him again, Chuckles.”

THWACK! 

“Aye, maybe another one and all, mate.” 

THWACK! 

“Aye, one more for luck.” 

THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! 

“Aye, calm down, like. I only said one more.” 

Chuckles smiled sheepishly and let the warhammer slide down through his  fingers until just short of the iron head. 

“Doesn't... doesn't that like almost kill the person, though?” David asked, taken a-back somewhat by the demonstration of the hangover-giving task that was the dwarf's speciality. “She ... she's not moving anymore or anything!”

“Aye, well, that'll be because she's sleeping, like,” Pigkiller muttered quietly. “People generally don't move much when they're sleeping, you know. And especially not after Chuckles has lamped them one or three on the noggin.”

“But ... but ...”

“Aye, well reminded, David,” Pigkiller said, speaking softly. “I'll show you the best way to pinch a human's bum and cause the most discomfort for them in a moment or two, but I think Eric might want a hand picking up all these socks  first, though. Ain't that right, Eric?” 

The floor was literally covered with socks of all kinds, colours, and sizes and the beleaguered elf was sweating with effort as he stood bent-double scooping up armfuls of socks and shoving them into his bulging sack.

“A hand would most definitely be appreciated,” Eric said, so busy concentrating on picking up odd socks he didn't dare take his eyes off them for even a split second. “Two would be even better, though. Just grab that spare sack I dumped in the corner over there, David, and start grabbing what you can before Flik-Flak calls for time up.”

It certainly didn't look like the most glamorous of tasks that Eric had, but David was there to learn from the masters of their trade and duly got stuck in to help his friend out. Literally in the case of the first sock he picked up. David sincerely hoped it was just chewing gum he had found on the end of the sock but he chucked it right to the bottom of his sack before confirming whether it was or not. He quickly picked up another sock and made to throw it in with the other.

“No, that one stays out,” Eric whispered, glancing up momentarily to make eye contact with David. “Remember, just take one sock out of every pair so that the human is left with a jumble of odd socks.”

David nodded.

“Why again exactly, though?” he asked, as he dropped the sock and picked up a white sport sock.

“The longer they spend looking for their socks the less time they have to muck up the world, that's why,” Eric replied, matter-of-factly. “You'd be surprised how many wars have been avoided because one leader of an army or country has spent so long hunting for his socks in the morning that by the afternoon they've changed their mind about fighting another army or country and instead decided to spend all their resources perfecting ways to avoid losing their socks. Your old lot would have started World War Three a few years back if it wasn't for the likes of me and my fellow sock-thieves, you know.”

“Seriously?”

“Well, there may have been a couple of other factors as well,” Eric muttered. “Something to do with peace negotiations or something ... I don't really remember ...”

The bedroom door creaked open and Flik-Flak poked his head round the door.

“How's it going, gentlemen?” he asked. “Everything satisfactory, Chuckles?”

Polish was being applied liberally and lovingly to the warhammer in the dwarf's hand and answering Flik-Flak, or even acknowledging he had heard his captain, was totally out of the question for Chuckles. He had a feeling that his boss was going to ask again though (people always asked again) and quickly took appropriate action.

“Uh-huh.” 

“Good, good,” Flik-Flak said. “Pigkiller?”

A small lump shuffled its way up the bed and finally the little pygmy's head popped up from under the duvet next to the sleeping girl's head.

“Aye, I'm just doing fine, like,” Pigkiller said, pushing the girl's head further along to make more space for himself. “I'm just warming up the girl's fat bum for David to have a wee pinch in a moment or two. How's yourself, like, big fella?”

“Oh, just fine, thank you,” Flik-Flak replied, smiling. “Moving on, though. Eric?”

With his sack full, and David's not too far behind, Eric had decided that they should leave the rest of the socks alone and was showing the new trainee Chaos-maker how to tie his famous triple-finger-nipper elf knot.

“ ... and so that end goes down through the loop, pull it, and then quickly take your fingers away before it starts biting. Got it?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Flik-Flak cleared his throat with a very deliberate cough. Eric glanced up from watching David trying to tie his sack.

“Yeah, boss?”

“How's young David faring on his first day at work?” Flik-Flak asked, looking at both Eric and David.

“Yeah, pretty well, I think,” Eric replied, nodding his head. “You're picking things up pretty quickly, aren't you, David?”

David finished tying the knot on his sack and whipped his fingers away just as its teeth snapped at him. 

“I think so,” he said. 

“Enjoying it all?” Flik-Flak asked. “Any ideas yet what you'd like to specialise in? I must say, I thought you were extremely good at ruffling that girl's hair into a right mess. It took me months to create a mess that entangled and difficult to sort out. Someone with your talent could go far in the hair-ruffling game, you know.”

“I'm sure you could go just as far in the sock-stealing game as well, though,” Eric added quickly.

“And the key-hiding side of things too,” Tracy said, poking her head round the door as she hovered out in the corridor. “You've a good eye for hiding things, David.”

“Aye, and I reckon you'll be just grand at pinching people's butts as well when I get round to showing you the ropes,” Pigkiller added, slipping out from under the duvet and dropping down onto the carpet.

It seemed like everyone thought David had a natural gift for being a Chaos- maker and he had to admit that so far it had been more fun than he had dared to think. He still wasn't quite sure why certain things were done, although the general idea of trying to slow humans down seemed to be the main objective, but he certainly was having a good time nonetheless. But as to what he'd like to specialise in ...

Suddenly there was an almighty clatter from outside the bedroom and the sound of raised voices bickering drifted through the open doorway. 

“Any chance that's not Peter who's caused that?” Flik-Flak asked, already walking back towards the door. 

“Aye, not much, like,” Pigkiller muttered, tagging along with his captain as he  walked out the door. “He's a right clumsy ...” 

Pigkiller's voice faded as he disappeared through the door and just as well as the rest of what he had to say about Peter was not really suitable for young ears such as David's.

Suddenly there was yet another loud clatter which was followed almost immediately by what sounded like a small explosion and then the thundering of many feet running as fast as they could.

“Abort! Abort!” 

The human groaned in their sleep and turned over onto her other side. The  bedroom door burst open and Rodney, Peter, Pigkiller and Flik-Flak careered into the bedroom and clattered into an unsuspecting Chuckles.

“What's up?” Eric asked, rising to his feet quickly.

The smell of something burning, and the sound of roaring flames, followed the panic-stricken quartet into the room.

“F-f-fire!” Rodney shouted. “There's a fire in the kitchen!”

The human girl stirred in her sleep, rolled over again, and an arm flopped out of bed hitting Pigkiller on the head.

“Aye, I think we'd better get out of here quick smart, like,” he said, rubbing his  bald head. 

Another small explosion rocked the house and a ball of flame shot past the open bedroom door. 

“Uh-oh,” Chuckles muttered, pointing at the girl. 

Her eyes were wide open with fear as she gazed around the odd assortment of  creatures in her bedroom. 

“What the...?” she mumbled, as she sat up in the bed pulling the duvet up under her chin as she did so. 

Pigkiller quickly signalled to Chuckles to hurry round the other side of the bed  while he grabbed hold of the duvet and clambered up onto the bed. The girl stared in horror at the leering two-foot pygmy marching across the bed towards her.

“Aye, you ain't seeing any of this, like!” he said, then grabbed the duvet and pulled it away from her face just enough to let a flash of metal wallop her on the head.

A second later and the girl was snoring loudly with a contented look on her face.

“Oh, not again,” Flik-Flak muttered under his breath. “Right, gentleman and Tracy, each of you grab your stuff, Rodney and Peter carry the girl, and everyone run outside as though your lives depend on it before this whole house becomes a burning inferno!”

“Aye, ladies and pygmies first!” Pigkiller shouted, as he threw back the bedroom door and legged it out into the smoky corridor. “Come on, Tracy!” 

David and Eric watched from the back of the bedroom as Tracy and Flik-Flak hurried out of the bedroom behind the little pygmy, quickly followed by Peter and Rodney who had picked up the girl between them and were dragging her  out along the ground by her arms. 

“Does this happen quite a lot?” David asked, as he and Eric heaved their sacks  over their shoulders and started running after their teammates. 

Eric laughed but didn't answer. Flik-Flak was holding the front door open for Eric and David and as they both jumped outside there was a third explosion and the roof of the house caved in. 

“Oh dear,” Flik-Flak muttered, shaking his head. “We might just use up all our good favour at the moment trying to explain this one. Cloaks on everyone and back to the train station!”

As Eric helped David on with his Invisibility Cloak, he finally answered his question.

“Yeah, you'd be surprised what happens some nights,” he said, as David vanished beneath his cloak. “Let's just say that you'd be amazed what goes on while you humans are sleeping,” he added. “Anything that can't be explained, or anything that goes wrong, or anything that goes bump in the night, is pretty much always down to us lot and other teams like us.”

As the Chaos-makers safely hid under their cloaks and started to walk nonchalantly away, the front doors of nearby houses opened and curious  humans peered out at the great fire roaring at the house they had just left. As people milled out onto the street to take a closer look and to wait for the fire engines to arrive, David swerved round several unsuspecting people until the pavement became clear once more. Looking back he spotted dozens of tiny little imps scurrying about and chuckled as he watched them tying people's shoelaces together as they stood watched the fire burning brightly. Another team of Chaos-makers crept out from another nearby house carrying all manners of goods they had pinched and started running down the street away from the crowds. David put a hand over his mouth to stop himself laughing. Yes, he was going to like this job all right. He had a feeling that he was going to have a lot of fun with his new friends.

THE END